Category: Gratitude

Thriver’s Guilt: Some Remedies (Part 2)

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Thriver Remedy Generous and Genuine shutterstock_1216857

In my previous two blogs, I have been exploring the phenomenon I call “Thriver’s Guilt.” What do we do with the guilt we feel when we thrive, but others around us struggle? In the first blog (December 2, 2019), I defined it, and in the next blog (December 9, 2019) I shared the first remedy: Be Grateful.

Thriver’s guilt falls under the broad category of false guilt. Genuine guilt is our healthy reaction to violating a law or standard, especially God’s standards. False guilt is the feeling we have done wrong when we have not, in fact, violated a law or standard.

The “remedies” for false guilt are found primarily in the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). We correct the lies we are telling ourselves by learning the truth of God’s Word, applied by God’s Holy Spirit.

So in this post, let’s consider two more important remedies (in addition to Remedy #1: Be Grateful) for thriver’s guilt.

Remedy #2: Be Generous

The biblical pattern has always been “blessed to be a blessing.” God’s blessings are for our enjoyment as well as our partnership with the Lord.

The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. 2 “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing (Genesis 12:1-2 NIV).

We are too easily seduced by the lie, for example, that it’s wrong to have nice things. It’s just stuff–until it becomes God’s stuff. God uses our resources to further Kingdom work in big as well as small ways. If you are blessed with a lovely home, share it. If you are blessed with a small apartment, share it. Whatever we have, the spirit of generosity blesses others and reminds us how much we are blessed.

Generosity and the faithful stewardship of our gifts and resources express the obedience Jesus called for when he commanded us to let our light shine.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:14-17 NIV).

God has entrusted us with time, with personality and temperament characteristics, with spiritual, financial and material resources that we are to steward for the extension of his kingdom.

As Paul reminded us:

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work (2 Corinthians 9:6-8 NIV).

To conclude with one more scripture on this topic, it’s interesting to me that Paul did not tell the “rich” to sell everything and give the proceeds to poor.

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 18 Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share (1 Timothy 6:17-18 NIV).

In his book Gospel Patrons: People Whose Generosity Changed the World, John Rinehart writes about many historical leaders like Tyndale, Wilberforce, Whitefield and Newton — and we could name many contemporaries–who brought redemptive change to their times because of wealthy benefactors (quoted by Steve Perry in Living With Wealth without Losing Your Soul, New York: Rosetta Books, 2016). Steve Perry continued, “It’s not wrong to lay up treasure for yourself! But you do so not by hanging on to every last penny, but by seeking ways to be ‘rich in good deeds.'”

Remedy #3: Be Genuine

Be real both in admitting your struggles and sharing your joys. It’s takes a certain amount of courage to share your joys. Learn to communicate in a way that can be a testimony of God’s faithfulness to encourage people.

Appropriate disclosure is the key. As Proverbs counsels us:

Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart (Proverbs 25:20 NIV).

So we don’t parade our blessings thoughtlessly in front of those who can’t remember the last time they had something wonderful to share. But Scripture also says,

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story (Psalm 107:1-2 NIV).

We are sensitive to those who are struggling, but we still tell our story about God’s goodness.

It is wise to be intentional about finding safe friends and colleagues who can hear your excitement and satisfaction. But this does not mean we cover-up what God’s doing in our lives.

Be ready for comments from those who are not in a good place. If you sense resentment, do not be defensive. Focus on the person. You might ask, “So, would you like to share what’s going on?” Deep down, we are all longing for affirmation, for validation, and for assurance that we matter to each other and to God.

The fundamental principle for community, both for those who are doing well and for those who are struggling is the same:

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15 NIV).

There’s much more to share, but I hope this gives some ideas for handling false guilt in general and Thriver’s Guilt in particular.

Be Grateful: Receive God’s good gifts with humility, always remembering the Giver.

Be Generous: Share what God has entrusted to you.

Be Genuine: Let your light shine in ways that meet others with compassion and encouragement.

Thriver’s Guilt: Some Remedies (Part 1)

Doug RumfordLeave a comment

Thriver Remedy Gratitude shutterstock_729671911

In my previous blog, I presented the phenomenon I call “Thriver’s Guilt.” That’s the guilt we feel when we succeed and do well when others around us, especially those we care about, do not. What do we do with the guilt we feel when we thrive, but others around us struggle?

Thriver’s guilt triggered an unhealthy dynamic of self-consciousness by which I became embarrassed by any signs of “success” in my life. I felt I had to apologize and minimize when things were going well. I also became self-deprecating in my conversations and presentations. I was reluctant to share the blessings I was experiencing.

Thriver’s guilt falls under the broad category of false guilt. Genuine guilt is our healthy reaction to violating a law or standard, especially God’s standards. False guilt is the feeling we have done wrong when we have not, in fact, violated a law or standard.

The question is: have we truly done something wrong? Compare the warning lights on a car dashboard with the conscience. When a light comes on, we need to discern whether it is indicating a genuine problem, or whether there’s a short circuit in the warning light itself.

In our lives, it may not be a problem of faulty lights, however. It may be that we have many “extra” warning lights that continually flash, giving us false information.

False guilt is spiritually corrosive. It denies God’s truth and undermines our experience of grace. False guilt disrupts our relationships, draws our focus inward, and robs our joy.

The “remedies” for false guilt are found primarily in the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). We correct the lies we are telling ourselves by learning the truth of God’s Word, applied by God’s Holy Spirit.

So what about thriver’s guilt? Because I want to respect the relative brevity of a blog post, I will share my remedies in two posts. In this post, I want to consider the most important remedy.

Remedy #1: Be Grateful

Be grateful and receive God’s blessings with humility.

Enjoying the good things God provides does not mean we are materialistic, nor that we are spiritually immature.

We are too easily seduced by the lie that “poverty is a virtue and success is a sin.”

We may have a tendency to believe poverty is the ideal condition for true spirituality based on Jesus’ exhortation to the “rich, young ruler” to sell all he has in order to follow Jesus (Mark 10:17-22). Here’s part of the encounter:

21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22 At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

This one incident, however, was not meant to be a prototype for discipleship any more than being a literal fisherman was required to make us “fishers of men.”

Jesus was addressing this man’s idol. The Lord calls us to turn from anything we value more than the Lord. But that doesn’t always require literal all-or-nothing decisions.

For example, if a person struggles with ambition and success, Jesus would not counsel that person to fail. If a person struggles with beauty, Jesus would not counsel that person to become deliberately unattractive and unwashed. We must be careful not to move from specific situations to general principles too quickly.

God blesses his people. Think of the amazing beauty and delight of the Garden of Eden and the splendor of the New Jerusalem. We honor the Lord by appreciating these blessings and remembering their source. Deuteronomy 8:7-18, spoken as God’s people were preparing to enter the Promised Land, clearly presents this principle.

7 For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills… 10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. 11 Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God,… 17 You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” 18 But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant…

Blessings are expressions of God’s goodness. Gratitude reminds us that God is the giver.

If Sarah and I give wonderful gifts to our children, we want them to enjoy those gifts to the fullest, with due appreciation. To reject the gift would feel like a rejection of our love.

But there’s more to this subject. This remedy alone could be perceived as a “bless me” gospel that does foster worldliness and self-centeredness.  So please keep reading! In my next blog post, Thriver’s Guilt: Some Remedies (Part 2), I suggest how to manage our blessings faithfully and interact with others compassionately.

It’s All So Fragile

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2018_07 HWY 101 FIRE
Fire on CA HWY 101 from “big rig” truck accident

California’s population in 2017 was over 39 million—and I think they were all on the road last week! But this time it was more than the quantity of vehicles. It was a tragedy that, literally, stopped us all in our tracks.

We often take for granted how “powerful” we are as we cruise down any of life’s highways. But one mishap—small or great—reveals how powerless we really are. That’s what happened when we were driving to Northern California last week. We were just north of San Juan Bautista on CA HWY 101 when we saw smoke. We noticed no traffic heading south and knew there was trouble. Our progress slowed and then came to a complete stop. We watched helicopters dump water on the fire about a mile ahead. The smoke turned from black to white—like it was surrendering—then disappeared. But we were still stopped 20, then 30, then 45 minutes. All engines were turned off, and we sat in place. Many of us got out of our cars and were talking about the last time we were stuck like this. (It was our first time). Eventually we learned a “big rig” truck had crashed and caught fire. We were concerned for the truck driver, but never heard any news there. Finally, after two hours, we began to move.

Times like this remind me life is fragile. Traveling by any means is a delicate matter, easily disrupted by weather, mechanical problems, accidents and congestion. The networks of life are also fragile. Life’s support systems are fragile.

Traveling on mission trips has made me appreciate a hot shower, water available at the turn of a faucet, the ease of purchasing food and other “necessities,” and the relative safety and security of our country. But then I realize we’re truly vulnerable, wherever we are.

While we don’t want to be crippled by anxiety over everything that can go wrong, I find it helpful to cultivate three spiritual attitudes.

Awareness. Presumption numbs the soul. Awareness reminds us we are dependent on the Lord. James’ sobering exhortation makes the point: “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil” (James 4:13-15 NIV). (I have these verses at the top of all my financial planning!)

Gratitude. I am aware life is fragile so I receive every moment with gratitude. I am thankful for the many blessings I do enjoy, even the midst of disruption, inconvenience and loss. I never tire of being reminded of Paul’s commands: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV).

Humility. Pride rises from the illusion of power and control. While God has given us much freedom and abilities to do many things when and where we want, ultimately, we depend on God’s grace and mercy.  “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7 NIV).

While it’s easy to focus on how much goes wrong, it’s amazing to me that so much go right! God’s common grace and mercy keep us in more ways than we can ever imagine.

Live in the awareness that this fragile life, like an egg, is held in God’s sovereign, loving hands.

 

Being content when it doesn’t make sense

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Even in the midst of dementia, my dad found contentment through God’s Word.

One of the saddest moments in my life was realizing my dad was suffering from dementia. The moment of that realization is another story. What stands out more than the sadness (and the fear that this dreaded condition may lie ahead for me), however, was a phrase my dad used frequently in the midst of his terrible confusion. He would often quote Philippians 4:11, King James Version, “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” Those words had a new depth of meaning coming from a man whose mind was betraying him.

It seems to me that contentment was, at some level beyond his compromised cognitive processes, dad’s defense against despair. This verse was the voice of his “inner coach” continually reminding him that God’s presence and care were his comfort and strength.

My experience with dad reinforced the fact that life-choices accumulate. The attitudes we nurture now will either help or hinder our adjustment to the challenges ahead. Beyond attitudes, our choice to soak, to marinate, in God’s Word reaches our hearts and minds in ways we may never fully appreciate. Psalm 119:11 says, “Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee” (KJV). This verse has a broader application than keeping us from sin. God’s Word keeps us focused on the mind of Christ.

God’s Word had taken such deep root in my dad’s heart and spirit that even dementia couldn’t smother it. I realize this may not be a common experience for many in dementia, but it gives me hope– and a determination to continue to devote myself to hiding God’s Word in my heart.

I’m also cultivating contentment in a culture of discontent. Learning to be content today will pay rich dividends now and into the future.  Contentment appreciates what we have in life and in Christ. Contentment sees all things in the light of eternity. And above all, contentment trusts God’s wisdom and care, often in spite of appearances.

 

Tags dementia, Philippians 4:11 Psalms 119:11 1 Corinthians 2:16