Category: Conflict

What Does Anger Buy You?

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We are living in angry times. Political conflicts keep escalating. Coping with the COVID-19 situation generates irritation and division. And now racial tensions have exploded. The reasons for anger are infinite.

The key question about anger is not, “Where does it come from?”  Nor, “Is anger justified?” The key question about anger is, “What do we do with our anger?”

Jesus cleansed the Temple in anger. But Jesus restrained James and John from calling down fire from heaven on those who rejected him. There’s a time and a way to express anger. And there’s a time to restrain anger.

I cannot plunge into the political and justice issues sparking the rage of these days. But perhaps we can take small steps to manage the anger that makes our own lives miserable. And that could have far-reaching effect.

What does anger get us?

When Sarah and I were in a season of great stress in ministry, it carried over to our marriage and family. More accurately, my anger carried over to our marriage and family. We went to an insightful Christian counselor, Vince, who asked me a simple question I’ve never forgotten: “What does your anger buy you?”

Revenge. Our instinct is to hurt those who’ve hurt us. We want to “even the score” so they know what it feels like.

Power. When threatened, we can feel powerless. Anger is force. Anger is power. Anger can feel like an assertive expression of our self. “Don’t tread on me,” as the state motto says.

Distance. Like porcupine quills, anger keeps the offender from getting too close.

“Self-consolation.” Anger is our attempt to care for ourselves when we feel overwhelmed or threatened.

So, candidly, anger has some usefulness or “benefits.” But not without significant costs.

What does anger cost us?

As I responded to Vince with my list, I could see where he was headed. After considering the benefits, the logical step was then to consider the cost. (If only anger were logical!). We pay a price for anger.

The price for revenge is the deterioration of the relationship. The old saying warns, “Before carrying out revenge, first dig two graves.” Hitting back escalates the conflict. Romans 12:17-21 reminds us that revenge is the Lord’s concern, not ours.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” Martin Luther King Jr.

The price for angry power is often our own integrity. When I express anger, I often do the very thing I’m criticizing in another. The problem then shifts from the injustice I think I’ve suffered to the injustice I just committed. Now I’m the problem!

The price for the brief venting of anger is often the longer-term loss of peace of mind.  A proverb says, “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”

The price for anger is opening ourselves to greater evil. Paul warns that we cannot open the door to our anger without welcoming evil in as well.

“And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27).

When we give in to anger, we join evil’s team.

And the greatest cost to anger is that we grieve God!

“And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live” (Ephesians 4:30).

Anger is a power is like nitroglycerin: used properly, it saves heart patients; used improperly, it explodes!

Anger did not disappear from my life because I did a cost-benefit analysis with Vince. But that analysis did make me stop and name the consequences. By naming them, I became aware of them. That has helped me learn to take that all-important pause when I feel anger and frustration rising.

Invest in self-control through the power of the Holy Spirit.

By God’s grace, we have the choice and the power to put off old ways and put on the new way of Christ.

 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. (Ephesians 4:22-23).

The gospel brings power to change as we surrender all areas of life, including our speech, our temper, everything!

Faithfulness calls us to do what we can to rectify injustice and to address the personal, systemic, and spiritual causes generating anger in this world. While these are huge problems beyond most of us, we can at least do our part to rein in our anger by bringing it under Jesus’ reign.

We put off our anger so that we can put on Jesus’ love and freedom.

“I’m a Video, not a Snapshot”

Doug Rumford1 Comment

Drum kit shutterstock_123948400

Too often our opinion of a person gets “frozen” in time, especially when there’s been a conflict. We allow one negative experience to become the defining factor in our view of that person. Because of that “snapshot” image of the person, we get stuck in our expectations and perceptions. We may even withdraw from them and avoid them. This hurts our relationships, especially in the community of God’s people.

Russ, an elder in one of the congregations I served, taught me a key principle about people and change.

We were meeting for prayer together before a Sunday service and began by reviewing the service assignments. There was a definite ‘contemporary’ (a reference my Presbyterian readers understand!) tone to the services that Sunday, and I had heard that Russ ‘hated the drums.’

“Russ, I imagine this service may be a challenge for you,” I said.

“Really? Why’s that?” he responded with genuine surprise.

“Because of the drums. I heard that you weren’t really a fan of them.”

“Oh, I used to make a pretty big deal about that, but I’ve changed over the years. Worship needs to connect with all God’s people, not just us ‘traditional’ types. I’m not a snapshot, I’m a video.”

That really hit me: a video, not a snapshot. A continually changing image, not a static one. We are not wise when we lock our perception of a person or group of people into one position, as if they are frozen in time, like a snapshot. We need to expect that many will continue to work through their ideas and preferences and make changes. People, especially those actively pursuing growth in Christ, are dynamic, changing, growing and learning.

Paul describes our transformation in Christ as a process of changing “from one degree of glory to another,” as the Revised Standard Version translates the following verse.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being changed into his likeness from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:17-18 Revised Standard Version).

I appreciate that image of degree-by-degree, step by step; and most often it’s baby step by baby step.

The stimulus for change comes as we break free from the limited and limiting perspective of this world. We learn to view everything with the eyes of faith. Another way to say this is that we are learning to see life from the aspect of eternity. We are gaining perspective and a sense of proportion by viewing life as if we were seated with Christ in heaven.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:4-7 English Standard Version).

This is a staggering concept with countless implications for every aspect of life: our values, priorities, relationships, commitments and so on. For now, let it remind us that we need to give each other grace to grow. Instead of getting stuck with a negative impression of a person and their ideas, check to see how they have changed with time and experience.

 

Peace from a Heart Sunk Deep

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Huntington Beach Pier, California

We will never experience peace if we depend on outward circumstances. There’s always something going on in the world around us to stir anxiety: political turmoil, gun violence against students, international conflicts, terrorist threats, economic disruptions like sky-rocketing gas prices, and the everyday problems and tensions in our lives and relationships.

Yet Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27 NIV).

How do we experience that peace? It’s helped me to realize peace is a product of our heart-attachment. If my heart is attached to worldly comfort and calm, peace will elude me. If my heart is grounded in the love and gracious character of our Triune (Trinitarian) God, however, peace will endure like a firm foundation in the midst of life’s craziness.

Think of the difference between a boat on the ocean and a pier coming off the shore. A boat on the water is fun, no doubt! But it is extremely vulnerable to the ocean conditions. Calm water is one thing, but seven-to-ten foot swells of waves and strong currents are quite another.

In contrast, a pier is a fixed structure not nearly as vulnerable to oceanic conditions. I live near a number of piers on the Pacific Ocean and one of my favorites is Huntington Beach Pier. It measures 1,850 feet in length and is one of the longest piers on the West Coast.  (The longest is Oceanside Pier at 1,942 feet). The pier is 100 feet above sea level. It was built with concrete and reinforced steel, coated with epoxy, to protect it from the corrosive effect of the damp salt air. Huntington Pier was engineered to withstand 31-foot waves or a 7.0 magnitude earthquake. Its stability comes from the fact that 1/3 the length of each piling is driven into the earth, with 2/3’s above the surface. The key to stability is to be “sunk deep.”

A boat or a pier: how would you describe your experience of peace (or lack thereof) right now?

Peace is our “birthright” our “inheritance” in Christ. Just before his crucifixion, Jesus twice bestowed peace on his disciples. One is the John 14:27 verse quoted above. The other is John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (NIV).

I recently developed a working definition of peace. I invite you to consider this and develop one that works for you.

Doug’s Working Definition of Peace: Peace is a multi-faceted fruit of the Spirit that includes reconciliation with God, healthy relationships with others and serenity within ourselves. Peace’s restfulness and calm arise from our confidence in God’s care for us, positively influencing our attitude and our efforts in our relationships.

Peace is a result of our heart-attachment. It will elude us if we’re floating on the waves of life without a firm anchor in faith. Let’s go back to the pier: its stability comes from the fact that 1/3 the length of each piling is driven into the earth. So what helps you drive “deep pilings” into the shores of faith? I hope you’ll journal on this question. Let me suggest two things:

The first is remembering that peace is the “natural condition” of those who believe in Jesus. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:1-2 NIV). Be still and embrace this promise until you experience it.

We also “sink deeply” through our intentional experiences of both worship with God’s people and personal time daily with the Lord. Knowing and glorifying God anchors in his love.

 

Gollum and Necessary Companions

Doug Rumford1 Comment

We all have people in our lives we’d like to avoid and be done with. But in doing so, we may miss something essential to our life and mission.

Gollum was a disgusting, dangerous and necessary companion for Frodo Baggins. If you’re not familiar with J. R. R. Tolkien’s classic novels of the The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy, a brief background will suffice. Tolkien’s epic work The Lord of the Rings, tells the story of evil power rising to tyrannize and exploit Middle Earth, controlled by The One Ring of Power. Thousands of years before the events of the novels, the Dark Lord Sauron had forged the One Ring to rule the other Rings of Power and subdue those who wore them: the leaders of Men, Elves and Dwarves. Sauron was later vanquished in battle by an alliance of Elves and Men. The One Ruling Ring was lost in the River Anduin at Gladden Fields. Over two thousand years later, the ring was found by one of the river-folk called Déagol. His friend Sméagol (who was eventually called Gollum) immediately fell under the ring’s influence and strangled Déagol to acquire the Ring. Sméagol was banished and hid under the Misty Mountains. The power of the ring seduced Gollum, controlling him and making him a lesser being. One of the benefits of the ring was being invisible, which had great advantages for survival. The ring also extended his lifespan and transformed him over the course of hundreds of years into a twisted, corrupted creature. Ironically, Gollum lost the ring, his “precious”, and, as recounted in The Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins found it. Meanwhile, the Dark Lord Sauron re-assumed physical form and took back his old realm of Mordor. (Hang in there– I’m getting to my point…).

The hobbit Frodo Baggins inherited the ring from Bilbo Baggins, his first cousin (once removed) and guardian. Neither were aware of its origin and nature, but Gandalf the Grey, a wizard and old friend of Bilbo, suspected the ring’s identity. When Gandalf became certain, he knew the only way to destroy the Dark Lord and prevent the absolute corruption of Middle Earth was to keep Sauron from getting the ring. Gandalf strongly advised Frodo to destroy the ring by throwing it into the Cracks of Doom, the lava flow in the heart of Mt. Doom, where the all the rings were originally forged. Frodo agreed, and thus began an arduous and very dangerous quest.

Along the way Frodo was tracked and attacked several times by Gollum who was driven to get the ring back from Frodo. When Frodo had the opportunity to do away with Gollum, however, Frodo showed mercy. Instead of killing Gollum, Frodo made constructive use of Gollum’s knowledge and skills. Like David with King Saul, Frodo never took judgment into his own hands (see 1 Samuel 24:6-15 and 1 Samuel 26:1-25). The result (spoiler alert!) was that Gollum led Frodo to the Cracks of Doom and (there’s a lot more to this story!) the The One Ring of Power was destroyed. Middle Earth was saved.

We all have ambivalent relationships that we cannot avoid, trying as they are. I think of Jesus choosing Judas as one of the disciples and entrusting him with the group’s money (John 12:4-6). That decision takes us into serious contemplation on the nature of fellowship. Even among God’s people there are relationships in which we may feel devalued, undermined, put on the spot by competition and comparison, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and any number of other frustrations. And, to be candid, we often consider ways to avoid these relationships. The Gollum principle (perhaps we could call it the “Judas principle”…), however, sounds a note of caution. Maybe there is a redemptive purpose in the midst of this trying relationship. Gollum is that person who causes persistent irritation, but in the end plays an important, even essential, role.

Some time ago I made a list of my “Gollums.” I know this sounds terrible– but I had to be honest with myself as a discipline of confession and repentance. On reflection, I was able to name not only the “challenge(s)” those few people posed, but also the value they brought into my life. I do not claim I wanted to continue in those relationships. They are not friend-type folks for me. But I’ve learned that I am called to humility and patience, even when I think I have justification to change the relationship. They ended up helping me move along the journey.

We can all understand difficult, antagonistic relationships in the world. The sobering truth is that fellowship in the Body of Christ brings the us into community with those who would not choose to relate to us under other circumstances. It helps me to remember that I am to value and love all whom God calls. Knowing myself in all honesty, I am amazed at God’s love for me. And I sometimes I wonder whose Gollum I am.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord… 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.                  Romans 12:14-21 New International Version (NIV)